Endings are the saddest part.
So just give me a happy middle
and a very happy start."
--Shel Silverstein
2011. What can I say? It was an interesting year.
Maybe "interesting" isn't the right word. There's a photo I'll attach to this that may help me explain this year.
I've spent this year losing people I care about. Papaw died the Friday after Easter... exactly two weeks before Dustin and my wedding. I still can't believe he's been gone eight months. I still have a voicemail he left me two days before his surgery saved on my phone I listen to every once in a while... Until the tears start streaming again and I avoid it for a few months...
Then in June mom called me in VA to tell me my cousin Kenya was gone. That sweetie was about to turn 15.
Then at the beginning of November, we lost Poppy. I'm officially out of grandfathers.
Then it was Libby at the end of November. I don't think there is a word for surprises like this.
And then Mama and Daddy lost their third godchild, Dak a few weeks ago. He was only a year old.
And as I found out my sister wass heading to the hospital to say goodbye to another of our loved ones who wasn't doing well new year's eve, mom told me he was gone.
2011 sucked. And then the first day of 2012, a friend of mine found out a very dear relative was gone.
I'm starting to think maybe I'm a jinx.
As I look back over the past 12 months and the amazing people I knew and lost or hadn't even gotten a chance to know yet, I want to cry. So many wonderful people have left a hole in my heart this past year. I sat here on Saturday and just cried for a little while. Dustin was so sweet. I could sit here and sulk for the next year... and it wouldn't change a thing. I'm trying very hard to break this pattern. They say deaths and bad things come in threes. Seems true for us. I'm scared of what is still to come.
And yet...
They say good things come in threes, too.
I got married this year. I started a whole new life five states away from the town I've always lived in. I started my fourth and final year at USA. I got a job that is fun and exciting and amazing experience for future endeavors in my field. I am a single semester from graduating and moving permanantly. I have an awesome husband and an even bigger family now. I'm working two jobs, senior year, and am keeping up with a hubby 1000 miles away... and even through all the stress, I'm learning a ton about my work and myself. I know what I'm capable of now. I know my breaking point. I know how far I can push it and still be alright. I know how to balance things now. I know how strong our relationship is. And hey, now we're on the path to being debt free. Go us.
This year has been the hardest of my whole life. I can't count how many times my world was shaken, shattered, or broken and I was left with only pieces to straighten up as best I could. I know now just how like my Mama I am. We know how to get stuff done under stress, that's for sure. I was very grateful for her this year. She was pretty awesome through everything. And took care of everyone. It made me all the more proud to be like her.
On the other hand, I've realized this year even as good with words as I may be, I'm pretty terrible at finding what to say to someone hurting. Luckily I don't mind silence... so I'll be the one who just comes to sit with you, if that's ok. I can do that.
In addition, I've become pretty blunt. I read somewhere recently a quote. It said, "You can never make the same mistake twice because the second time you make it, it’s not a mistake…
It’s a choice."
Some of the people I care about most in this world have made some silly and stupid mistakes. And then continued to do the exact same thing over and over and over again, still saying "well it was a mistake. I didn't mean for it to happen like that." No it wasn't. You know what you were doing. You know you were being stupid. And if you don't, then I can't help you anyway. I have had the toughest year of my whole life and felt pain I would prefer to never go through again... and I'm trying to push through. And I do not have the energy to keep watching you screw up in the same way. It's your life? Yup. It sure is. So if you insist on going about your business like what you're doing is ok, then I can't stop you... and I'm tired of trying. Keep breaking my heart. Keep putting yourself in harm's way. I can't keep feeling like I could have changed or helped you. I've tried. And you won't listen. I've lost so much already. I can't stand by and watch you self-destruct.
2011. The year things changed. I'm praying the new one will be better. And by better, I just mean I hope things go smoothly as best they can. I can handle the ups and downs... I'd just like a little break. Of course... no breaks until May 12, at least...
You know what? Bring it on, 2012. I'll stay tough and my life and marriage will still rock. I've been through more than five months of hell before. Just bring it on.
Lord, please bless this house, and all the people I love who live here. I pray your love will fill us with the joy and hope we need to keep pushing through and seeing the brighter side of how things are. Help the goodbyes be heartfelt and forgiving and the hellos open and willing. We need all the help we can get. Please watch over us and keep us safe. <3
